Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing is more irritating than someone that updates there status every two minutes.

   How come ya’ll listen to a groundhog but not the CDC

   A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!

   May Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan ROT IN HELL!!! What is wrong with this world...It is a sad, sad day for Ft. Hood , TX ... thoughts and prayers go out to all the innocent people that lives were lost and forever changed by the events of someone they trusted

   If men honestly answered the facebook question: What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite

   St. Patricks Day. The only time of the year when people are proud of having a bit of Irish in them.

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote..

   You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

   If I jumped out a plane and my parcute didn't work I would be so angry.

   I support g@y marriage simply because the divorce hearings will be epic!!!

   A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

   I've been watching so much p 0rn I just spit on my car trunk's lock before I put the key in.

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND TAKE A "SNOOKIE"

   I took my Girlfriend to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film, She spent most the night signing autographs...

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   KKK is part of the democratic party...

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   would like to buy a vowel.

   Of course Jesus saves. He's J ewish.