Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   Piercing your lip is a good way to tell the world you let people pee on you in exchange for meth.

   Dear Egypt, please don't destroy the pyramids. We won't rebuild. - The Jews.

   The IDEAL guy does not smoke,,does not drink,,does not flirt with other girls,,does not lie,,does not cheat,,...and finally does "NOT EXIST".

   Dollar goes in, soda comes out. Only possible explanation? Aliens.

   Today, my wife told me I'm immature. I replied, 'I know you are but what am I?'

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   The only people happier than NY gays tonight are NY divorce lawyers..........

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.

   The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, but the worst part of waking up is Folgers out your ass.

   Beyonces new song is so horrible i'd rather hear Betty White & John McCain make sex noises.

   when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!

   making Sunday my favorite day since Rebecca Black ruined Fridays.

   I don't care what anyone says Brett Favre is somewhere totally kicking himself in the a$$ right now!

   Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

   Solution to world hunger: food. Boom, done, next problem.

   I be getting high just to balance out the lows.

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.