Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has a big clock

   just mugged a florist....that guy's lookin' like a fool with his plants on the ground....

   The Eagles/Vikings game was postponed to Tuesday because Michael Vick had trouble driving his dog sled through the blizzard.

   thought of it before you did.

   wonders if dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa

   do you think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

   What color are Paul Walker's eyes? Blue. One blew one way, one blew the other way.

   Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   Piercing your lip is a good way to tell the world you let people pee on you in exchange for meth.

   Dear Egypt, please don't destroy the pyramids. We won't rebuild. - The Jews.

   The IDEAL guy does not smoke,,does not drink,,does not flirt with other girls,,does not lie,,does not cheat,,...and finally does "NOT EXIST".

   Dollar goes in, soda comes out. Only possible explanation? Aliens.

   Today, my wife told me I'm immature. I replied, 'I know you are but what am I?'

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   The only people happier than NY gays tonight are NY divorce lawyers..........

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.

   The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, but the worst part of waking up is Folgers out your ass.

   Beyonces new song is so horrible i'd rather hear Betty White & John McCain make sex noises.