Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes.... when I cut onions.... I cry...for no reason... I cry... What the f**k is this vegetable trying to tell me ???

   Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, b

   just let me get 1 thing straight---------------~ DARN! so close.

   Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That's equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.

   My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Greatest Person Ever

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   Think...we have imaginary farms, cities and animals. It's OK to poke people and write on walls...Facebook is a mental hospital and we are all patients!!!

   My turtle ran away last month.... I'm heartbroken... I tried talking him out of it the entire 2 weeks it took him to reach the sidewalk.

   Cop: "Can you say the alphabet backwords." Me: "Yeah, If you let me write it down frontwords first."

   Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life:)

   Just found out I lost my concealed weapon permit, this means I can no longer wear pants in the state of Texas!

   Sesame Street YouTube channel hacked, videos replaced with porn. I don't want to tell you what the letter ˝C˝ stand for.

   Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   everybody is always the same thing for Halloween...drunk as sh*t

   I dont know wheather to rake or shovel...

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   Snooki's like a basketball: Orange and passed around by a bunch of sweaty guys.