Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking forward my BIG day tomorrow... Wait it's not mine but it has been drilled into my head for the past 6 months!

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   don't piss on my boot and tell me it's raining

   Sometimes love comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare.

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   I've grown to hate low ceilings

   Hiding in the restroom at work, just to post this (;

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins.

   May the fifth be with you? Tequila!

   I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   If I had $100 for every time I read something interesting on my Facebook feed, I'd be very poor.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   Sssshhhh....you had me at McDouble..

   decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind