Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does facebook have an option for "In a relationship, but it's complicated"? Are any relationships easy?

   According to a recent study, 100% of people participate in surveys.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(

   I spill things :(

   Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are hosting a singing competition on Fox! Who comes up with these radical new ideas?

   Looking forward my BIG day tomorrow... Wait it's not mine but it has been drilled into my head for the past 6 months!

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   don't piss on my boot and tell me it's raining

   Sometimes love comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare.

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   I've grown to hate low ceilings

   Hiding in the restroom at work, just to post this (;

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins.

   May the fifth be with you? Tequila!

   I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.