Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well... boring.

   i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   Some peoples glasses are half full, some are half empty but mine is cracked and leaking valuable water

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   lives in her own little world, but it's OK — they all like me here.

   A box of kittens is more scary then the vampires of Twilight.

   getting to the point where he has to choose between Facebook and having a degree

   Yo mama's so fat that when she was cremated, half of the flights to Europe were cancelled..

   Does AT&T allow phone calls on their network? Anyone know?

   anybody else ever shave your balls and instantly regret it?

   Look down at your chest, a little to the left OK - that's where i'll always rest.

   I'd like to see Chaz Bono go to DC teach a few Democrats how to be a man.

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   what's the best gym to pretend I go to?

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.