Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

   would love to own a maternity store. He would call it "Come Inside"

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

   Sometimes when I get bored I bounce my nuts on the keyboard dfhjyffcbhhhjufddxcbnnkiytredcvhkopihf

   Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron

   I liked you when we first met but, since then, you've talked me out of it.

   A Tennessee Hardware shop has put up a sign that says "No Gays Allowed". His homophobia is readily explained by the other sign in his shop "Today's Special: 25 cents for 12 inch screws!"

   I have no idea when the new Star Wars movie comes out because I have sex.

   If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well... boring.

   i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   Some peoples glasses are half full, some are half empty but mine is cracked and leaking valuable water

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   lives in her own little world, but it's OK — they all like me here.

   A box of kittens is more scary then the vampires of Twilight.

   getting to the point where he has to choose between Facebook and having a degree