Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.

   I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

   I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.

   Have 33 men you need pulled out of a deep, dark hole? Call Kim Kardashian's gynecologist.

   You have 3 options: (1) Kiss me. (2) I kiss you. (3) Chloroform.

   Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..

   My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   Billy the kid was so mean, he once shot a man for snoring, Me? I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   My manners disappear the more I have to repeat something. "Can you pass me the pen? The pen, can you pass it? Hello? GIVE ME THE F**KING PEN!!!"

   Why I love winter: 1. Christmas morning with my kids 2. Snow 3. My wife keeps her clothes on during sex. 4. Liquor in my car stays cold

   MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food.

   Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings

   I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.

   An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

   I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫