Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes

   FYI - Police say Boston Marathon bomber has been buried in undisclosed location. Hopefully wrapped in bacon with a Bible on his chest...

   What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don't make a change.”

   still wondering how would you engineer an electrical?

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.

   - Malaysian airlines confirmed having crashed in ocean. World is shocked. Seems everyone must have thought it had landed safely in some remote landing strip somewhere, like most missing planes do.

   Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper.

   Police Station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   This halloween I decided to dress up as the Liberty Bell. If we end up at the same party, be sure to come over and check out my enormous crack.

   I thought I saw ZZ Top at Wal-Mart today...turns out it was just 3 women from Kentucky.

   DALLAS - (D)irk (A)int (L)etting (L)ebron (A)ss (S)hine

   Clemson Vs Georgia Tech this weekend........ Up for Clemson....... Down for Georgia Tech

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   A man in Washington D.C. was apprehended by the Secret Service for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, this is probably the last time Joe Biden ever takes Ambien.

   Why does a hooker make more more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re sell it!

   Partying, YOLO. Forever alone, SOLO. Marco, POLO. Condom broke, OHNO. You like men, HOMO. B!tches be crazy, FOSHO. Run bro run!, POPO.

   Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.