Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people don't have the ability to laugh at themselves... and that's where I come in!

   Just stubbed my toe on life

   "That's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear

   I turn the music louder so I won't hear my thoughts, but it's stupid because the lyrics remind me of what I'm trying to forget. 

   "Another day, Another dollar" -Some loser who only makes $365 a year

   Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   Special merry xmas to all the essential personnel that have to work this holiday season i.e. doctors nurses cops..fire men 7-11 employees ..!!

   If I was homeless, I'd play it smart. My sign would say "Will have sex with any woman for food." That way, both of my needs are satisfied.

   Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th."

   If your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you and lied about it, you would be way more pissed than if they just cheated on you, told you, and you could either work it out or break up with them

   Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA.

   When you hear a lot of men yelling at the top of their lungs....you know the game is on.

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

   Facebook just got real. You can unsubscribe to status updates and turn people from "friends" to "acquaintances". It's a dirty game

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   "Do I smoke?" Only when I'm on fire. Which happens much less often now that I've cut back on the whole Tequila and fireworks combo.

   If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests.

   If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.

   Life would be so much easier if chocolate was a health food and they allowed drinking at work