Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".

   if another women steals your man. There is no better revenge, then letting her keep him. A REAL MAN can't be stolen!

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   The current administration is finally getting through to people. I can not count how many people I saw going "Green" yesterday! These are truly exciting days!!!

   Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   It's gotten to the point where I judge people solely on how many Dumb & Dumber quotes they know.

   the best revenge is to be happy...or laxitives in brownies, whichever

   No heterosexual man should text another man more than 5 times in 1 day unless its about money.

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   I have a Victoria's Secret model's body!! (in my basement)

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   Due to my white privilege I will be donating my Covid vaccine to someone less fortunate.

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   Me: (Sneezes) Microchip in my left arm: Bless you