Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!

   A guy at work today asked a silly question. He said what could be possibly be better than winning the lottery tonight?? I said that's easy,,, winning it one day after your Divorce becomes FINAL!!!!

   Ever have one of those days where you thought you had enough lotion on your skin, but got the hose again? smh...

   thinks peeple hoo dont no how to spel shuldnt make up status's for da hole wurld to see.

   Science FAcT: If you tookkall the veins from your body and lay them end to end, you would die

   When I have kids i`m going to make them watch the 2012 movie & tell them, "Yup, I survived that!" ...

   I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".

   if another women steals your man. There is no better revenge, then letting her keep him. A REAL MAN can't be stolen!

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   The current administration is finally getting through to people. I can not count how many people I saw going "Green" yesterday! These are truly exciting days!!!

   Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   It's gotten to the point where I judge people solely on how many Dumb & Dumber quotes they know.

   the best revenge is to be happy...or laxitives in brownies, whichever