Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This man's so impressed with my driving that he got next to me just to show me he's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger..

   Curiosity killed my virginity!

   50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end by a "relationship status" on facebook.

   If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.

   Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

   Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.

   Remember this sign in a video store? "Nice people rewind tapes"

   Women must care about flooring more than men. I don't know any man who has left a room because the carpet did not match the drapes, but yet many women are left disappointed by a lack of hard wood in their bedroom.

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.

   69% of everything a guy reads, he finds something dirty in it.

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.

   If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.

   Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you....I got you a Carnival Cruise ticket

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.

   Why is my wife asking me for a watch for christmas? She already has one on the microwave and oven!

   Watch the movie ZEITGEIST if you want to know the truth about....everything. The ugly, brutal truth "they" don't want you to know.