Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard the gay channel have dropped the soap awards.

   Waking up to Monday is kinda like the Mayans being right.

   Hey mothers who are always telling everyone who cares to listen, "My kids are my life" If your kids are your life how come you hardly spend time with them and are always out clubbing and parting like there is no tomorrow every other day of the week?

   All cheaters need to come with a warning sign. Like once you cheat your hair turns lime green so people know what you are all about.

   Facebook: a place when you even write your suicide note, you'll get likes.

   Gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional Mexican way by doing some landscaping.

   A man will simply break a woman's heart, but a woman will take a dump in a man's heart and walk away.

   Have you guys ever had sex sober? It's actually kind of gross.

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   you will never convince me a dude with 2 hoop earrings doesnt look gayeeee

   I find pregnant chicks sexy...I think it's because I know for a fact that they put out

   I have a very busy Sunday planned today......Watching football and Nascar while converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. ツ

   What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have herpes? Your dentist telling you that you have herpes.

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   When you say the word “poop” your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. The same can be said for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

   walking on sunshine.

   sick and tired of always being sick and tired!

   ..... Al Gore keeps insisting that dropping global temperatures, out of season and record breaking snowfall around the globe are strong symptoms of global warming. My question to him is ..... Then ...... What would the symptoms of Global Cooling be?

   If there are 3 Apples on the Table and Jamal takes 2 Apples. What colour is Jamal?

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years