Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.

   I'm not for everyone. That's okay. Everyone isn't for me either.

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.

   If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   I wish Google could tell me where my T.V. remote is right now.

   If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.

   You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   Marsha Brady is gonna freak when she finds out that Davy Jones died

   VelVeeta....the expensive government cheese.

   Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.

   Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society

   I'm a superhero while I'm in my shower. I call myself Bathman.

   Whoever decided to name this Halloween candy "fun" size is not someone I would care to party with. Just saying.......

   I just had sex for the first time in long time. So long in fact, that I felt guilty for cheating on my sock.

   Always smile and laugh in spite of your problems because this is the only life you will ever have and your problems won't matter anymore when you are dead.

   joining the 'Occupy' movement tonight. My rear end is going to OCCUPY a bar stool to watch the Eagles vs. Cowboys and my stomach is going to be OCCUPIED by some beer!

   Just overheard this kid confess to smoking weed out of his trumpet. Band practice must be fun.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!