Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you make up your mind, open it.

   If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.

   That guy who got busted for having sex on the subway did nothing wrong...He was just 'minding the gap'.

   Tomorrow is National Facebook Poke day!! Spread the word...

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.

   We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.

   I'm not for everyone. That's okay. Everyone isn't for me either.

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.

   If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   I wish Google could tell me where my T.V. remote is right now.

   If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.

   You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   Marsha Brady is gonna freak when she finds out that Davy Jones died

   VelVeeta....the expensive government cheese.

   Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.