Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the point of making cars really really fast if there is a speed limit? like, REALLY, WHATS THE POINT?!?!?!

   Looks like Casey Anthony will be available to baby sit my children tonight afterwards!!

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   POF should change its name to POS

   Yesterday in California a couple walking their dog found $10 million worth of rare coins buried in the ground. It's the biggest stash of coins found since Oprah had her couch cushions cleaned.

   Please stop calling them "zombies." They are "living impaired."

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now,& apparently it's getting serious. Kanye is who she wants to spend the rest of the month with.

   I want a girl that can swallow my pride.

   Tell the haters to keep it to themselves...we call that MASTURHATING!!!

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.

   Supplies! -Asian surprise party

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   Its a shame when BLM cant read their own signs