Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now,& apparently it's getting serious. Kanye is who she wants to spend the rest of the month with.

   I want a girl that can swallow my pride.

   Tell the haters to keep it to themselves...we call that MASTURHATING!!!

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.

   Supplies! -Asian surprise party

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   Fun Fact: The 2nd amendment is why we have the other 26 amendments

   Its a shame when BLM cant read their own signs

   If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...

   The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings

   Wow! That shirt is hideous!!! It really compliments your face.

   why is it that when I see a pregnant woman and her man, I always tend to picture them having sex??

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   wondering if Tiger Woods is dreaming of a White Mistress?

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.