Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   You cannot steal a joke - if you don't want anybody to use it themselves, don't tell it to anybody.

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   Guys, hear me out on this one.. A zombie outbreak could be prevented altogether if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together. Boom, you’re welcome.

   I went to an orphanage and not a single orphan was singing. I assume that's why they're still there.

   A real girlfriend loves & understands you, cares for you, accuses you of things you didn't do & tells you who you should be friends with.

   Hey, If I was an African American defendant and found out that the Judge in charge of my docket was associated with the Klan .... I too would definitely question his ability to judge my case.

   Here's another way to pi$$ off a liberal.. tell them to obey the immigration laws. . .

   When I party I party hard, but I don't drink and drive. I take an ambulance.

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   Facebook IM. Me: I txted you earlier. Her: oo my phone is broke... Her status two mins later.. "Out to the mall" via mobile

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   .I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫

   I wonder if anyone who played Operation as a kid grew up to be a doctor or anyone who played Monopoly grew up to be a thimble.

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   I'm obsessed with the tv show "Hoarders". I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I already watched, but I won't delete.