Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I party I party hard, but I don't drink and drive. I take an ambulance.

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   Facebook IM. Me: I txted you earlier. Her: oo my phone is broke... Her status two mins later.. "Out to the mall" via mobile

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   .I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫

   I wonder if anyone who played Operation as a kid grew up to be a doctor or anyone who played Monopoly grew up to be a thimble.

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   I'm obsessed with the tv show "Hoarders". I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I already watched, but I won't delete.

   Saw Jennifer Lopez's boob today. Successful weekend.

   This bitc$ got a million dollar body and a food stamp face.

   How to be a bouncer: 1.) Be an @sshole. 2.) Stand near a door.

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   My fantasy is having two men at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.

   I'm glad thought bubbles aren't visible, or else people would think I'm a complete psychopath,

   Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment??