Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

   just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!

   If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

   Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber scored a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. It's official, the world is coming to an end...

   bye bye weekend! it was fun being with you! cant wait to see you next week!

   Wingnut- Definition of a person that calls another individual a wingnut. Get over it!

   pretty drowsy......he's pretty sure he has a nap for that....

   Fruit Cake is YUCK! But don't tell my grandma that!

   Wait they replaced The Cookie Monster on Sesame Street with The Veggie Monster? What the f**k is this?

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   Why don't YOU watch where I'm going?

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   loves humanity....it's people she can't stand.