Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she's bluffing...

   LIKE if you're still stuck at the Kid's table.

   People SMOKE & DRINK for few days & get addicted.......Look at me. I am WORKING for all these years, but not YET ADDICTED to WORK. This is called "SELF CONTROL"

   Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

   i gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me

   There are almost 7 billion people in the world, and you are the dumbest one. That is impressive.

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   When I'm calling someone, while the phone is still ringing, I rehearse to myself how I'm going to say hello..

   Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...

   Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"

   I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.