Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   When I'm calling someone, while the phone is still ringing, I rehearse to myself how I'm going to say hello..

   Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...

   Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"

   I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.

   Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters

   Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.

   A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

   just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!

   Some Women say they spend alot of money on makeup to make them look pretty, they also say we spend alot of money on beer but what they dont know is that its also to make them look pretty.