Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a problem with huffing brake fluid but don't worry. I can stop any time.

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   I bet you'll never see a fight break out in marijuana clubs.........

   If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place?

   Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.

   5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?

   "Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby

   The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.

   Consensual sex sounds expensive.

   Hakuna Ma'vodka -No memories

   Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!

   When one door closes…you could just re-open it. Because that's how doors work, they open and close.

   I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.

   This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   bl0wjob one word or two? (I hate writing thank you cards.)