Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?

   In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.

   "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"

   dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.

   A relationship should be between (^__^) & (^__^) NOT (^__^) & (^__^) + (-_(-_(-_-)_-)_-) + FACEBOOK

   Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.

   Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener.

   Adam Sandler looks like Don Flamingo from Mike Tysons Punchout.

   “stalker” is such a harsh word.. I prefer “valentine”

   happy palentines day, for those of you with the cant we just be friends relationships

   miss the old days when my only worry of the day was begging my mom to drive faster to not miss pokemon (y)

   The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   I wish I was half the man my dog thought I was!!!

   I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" LOL NO! you need to hibernate.