Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how do Mexican's cut their pizza?? with Little Caesars

   My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?â

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this b!tch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"

   Found the Muffin Man on Facebook. If he accepts my Friend Request then I can tell my mates "Yes I DO know the Muffin man!". They'll be impressed.

   Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.

   Sex without head is like a sandwich without bread

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   Weiner tells A-Rod to Stick it out.

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   If you are undecided, vote for the one you would most likely buy a used car from.

   I wish this weather would make up its mind. I don't know if it's safe to shave my pubes or not...

   HE HAS RISEN (and before 10 am which is pretty good for me)

   Kevin Ware will be signing autographs at ihop tomorrow.

   You unfriended me? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.

   When Obama became POTUS, I had nothing. 6 years later, I still have most of it....

   If you drink enough "samples" at the liquor store, they will help you out to your car

   It's a shame if girls think Victoria's Secret models are every guys' dream. We're not in the fifth grade anymore. Go ahead and eat that last chicken wing, babygirl. You're gorgeous.

   3 billion people with a collective IQ of 9

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight