Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study found polar bears are capable of swimming vast distances. And they laughed when I warned of an aquatic polar bear invasion

   I took my dog over the park and played frisbee with him. He was useless, must get a flatter dog.

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   Listen, I'm not fat ok, I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   crane operators have swinging balls

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   My three unwritten rules : 1. 2. 3.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   The lady's on FB are up to something again, I think I like this as much as the bra color thing..... ; )

   If I see one of those "Baby on Board" Placards in a parked car on a hot day, Am I morally obligated to break into the car?

   was gonna go on a date tonight but his Farmville eggplant were supposed to be ready so he had to cancel.

   this morning was a series of honking and yelling, and giving crappy looks.. Then I finally got out of the driveway and on my way to work.

   I think Myspace can be unblocked at work now. Facebook takes up most of my time there anyway.

   I'm more attractive when I'm sober, but I doubt I would want to sleep with you then

   Forgiving is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.

   I guess as long as all participants are over 18, I'm okay with Cyber Monday...

   "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of.' It's just a filler. 'Sort of' - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"