Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just for the record, I don't own a turntable anymore.

   Dear (:, you're doing it wrong. Sincerely, :).

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   3 out of 4 of my personalities say my medication is working fine.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   It's pronounced; Doo-mas...

   A new study found polar bears are capable of swimming vast distances. And they laughed when I warned of an aquatic polar bear invasion

   I took my dog over the park and played frisbee with him. He was useless, must get a flatter dog.

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   Listen, I'm not fat ok, I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   crane operators have swinging balls

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   My three unwritten rules : 1. 2. 3.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   The lady's on FB are up to something again, I think I like this as much as the bra color thing..... ; )

   If I see one of those "Baby on Board" Placards in a parked car on a hot day, Am I morally obligated to break into the car?