Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   90% Of men have no taste or standards they just wanna get laid.

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   New STD called, FEELINGS. Dont catch that s&it.

   I hate when I'm at someone's house & they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" "How did you get in?" And "Is that a gun?

   Tip: To avoid butterflies in your stomach,,, don't eat caterpillars.

   I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   Whenever I see fire truck rushing somewhere in the rain, I'm confused as to how the sky didn't already do the job.

   I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.

   I just Googled "Myspace" and google said, "Did you mean FACEBOOK."

   Just for the record, I don't own a turntable anymore.

   Dear (:, you're doing it wrong. Sincerely, :).

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   3 out of 4 of my personalities say my medication is working fine.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   It's pronounced; Doo-mas...