Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   liking ones own status is a sign of self esteem. (X likes this)

   's night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil

   Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

   do you ever look at someone and think 'out of 10,000,000 sperm YOU were the fastest?'

   Fricken spellcheck. Looks like Santa will be bringing me a nice piece of glass this year.

   caffeinating.

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   Woke up this morning to bacon frying on the grill, eggs cooking on the stove, biscuts in the oven, and a fresh pot of coffee :) Todays gonnah be good.

   hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

   Give your child a chance. Not a mohawk.

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   Today Facebook was down, so I had to actually talk to my people that didn't live in my computer... I haven't done that in a few years, hope I don't get sick!

   My wife is getting real sick of me offering 'pen*s-cillin" every time she get sick.

   i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes

   glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.

   I spilled ice out of my cup while I was outside and all of a sudden, my state has shutdown.

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have