Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   The foods that prison inmates eat are more nutritious than the food in school cafeterias......Just let that sink in for a bit.

   A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent... and FABULOUS!!!

   Nice to wake up and know that Big Bird has been saved!!

   Hey, they had to elect a new Pope today, because everyone wanted to be home for a new episode of Duck Dynasty tonight.... Jack!

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   I elect the women in the World with large breasts to support ALS by pouring ice water over yourself wearing a white shirt and no bra. Thank you.

   Trump and I do agree on one thing. We'd both like to b@ng his daughter.

   If you postin' 'bout Kony I feel bad for you son, He snatched 99 kids and your status saved none.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   My dating profile is:- Likes poetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead thing's with a stick.

   How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with " a man once told me"

   WOW! Can you believe Justin Bieber is 17 today, seems like just yesterday she was just a little girl playing in her room with her karaoke machine. Next thing you know she'll find a nice guy and get married and start having kids of her own.

   You're never more beautiful than when you're looking up at me with my co*k in your mouth.

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation, do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

   Dear Mr. undercover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas. ;)

   Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you