Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be worried , God knows what you have been doing!

   If I bought everything you wanted me to, spam merchants, I'd be too conked out from the Vicodin to fit that Rolex watch around my giant penis.

   run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   you be Burger King, I'll be McDonald's, you'll have it your way,and i'll be lovin it!

   New Years Eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early. I just hope I'll be sober enought to drive from work to the bar.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in from the newsdesk.....Most women are comlplicated.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   The foods that prison inmates eat are more nutritious than the food in school cafeterias......Just let that sink in for a bit.

   A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent... and FABULOUS!!!

   Nice to wake up and know that Big Bird has been saved!!

   Hey, they had to elect a new Pope today, because everyone wanted to be home for a new episode of Duck Dynasty tonight.... Jack!

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   I elect the women in the World with large breasts to support ALS by pouring ice water over yourself wearing a white shirt and no bra. Thank you.

   Trump and I do agree on one thing. We'd both like to b@ng his daughter.

   If you postin' 'bout Kony I feel bad for you son, He snatched 99 kids and your status saved none.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   My dating profile is:- Likes poetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead thing's with a stick.

   How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with " a man once told me"