Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says "I have no life," quite like people who listen to Nascar on the radio.

   Rosa Parks wasn't trying to make a political statement , her ass was just tired .

   Little known fact… NASA put a man on the moon with less computer memory than you use when taking a picture on your iPhone.

   wondering if they make psycho repellent?!

   if NFL doesn't want Michael Vick back....my local animal shelter is looking for a pooper scooper!

   duct tape is like violence: If it's not working, you're not using enough of it.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe. Can't stand me? Sit down. Can't face me? Turn around and start walking!

   heard that Tiger Woods just sent Jesse James a Thank You note... and a bottle of penecillen.

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   ‎"Girl, you must have farted, cuz you blew me away"--Using this pick up line as soon as the opportunity presents it self lmfao

   I don't know why they need a whole month, they get the busiest Friday of the year

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   My phone just autocorrected Volvo to Vulva without me noticing it and now my boss thinks my Vulva is having the dents banged out of it by 3 guys at the body shop! Thank you auto-correct! This day's going to rock!

   Sometimes you've no choice but to cheat on your girl with her best friend, not because you are a low down dirty dog but just to show her, her ‘best friend’ is a fake friend. In fact she should thank you for it.

   I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.

   "too fast, but not really that furious "

   "Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her husband. What makes her think she can satisfy the country?" -Monica Lewinsky

   The only thing worse than the roll out of Obamacare would be walking around barefoot in a Major League Baseball dugout....

   A mom knows everything about her kids...their favorite foods, friends, clothes, their school reports and their dreams. A dad is vaguely aware that there are some short people staying in the house with him.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.