Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

   It's the postproduction phase of eating fast food that takes the expierience all downhill.

   So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?

   If you're a psychic and you get murdered then no you weren't.

   We have so much in common. You want to travel, and I want you to go.

   unwittingly a dog whisperer! After an argument with my sister I whispered "b*tch" and she said "I heard that"

   sure that if I ever went to a psychologist, he'd tell me that ALL my personalities are fine...except my REAl one.

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.

   Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.

   Another Sign of getting older: When you recall Nick-At-Night was once mostly Black & White!

   I'm actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!!!

   Never grossly overestimate my need for your approval.

   You know you have a problem when every letter you type in the address bar will bring up a porn site ..

   my mom used to say, "dont give me any of your guff"...looked it up..40 yrs ltr..says trivial, worthless talk or ideas...heeeyyy, thats demeaning

   Okay Canadians you win... When you convert Fahrenheit to Celsius, it's only 46.6 here in the states.

   She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice