Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.

   Face your life, don't Facebook your life

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" -Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably just shut up.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.

   No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon

   At the end of each day life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers.

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.

   Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??