Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.

   I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

   Men in white windowless van's have the worst candy.

   Never criticise your husband's faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.

   My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

   Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.

   Face your life, don't Facebook your life

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" -Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably just shut up.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.

   No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon

   If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.

   I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes