Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Corporation tip: Customer support should not sound like you are listening to a Bin Laden tape. I wonder if the FBI was listening in.

   My generations attachment parenting was when my mom hit me on the head with the 18 inch long metal serving spoon attached to her hand.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   For $38 a share, you can own a piece of Facebook. I want to buy that thumbs-up "like button". Anyone want to share that cost?

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities."

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.

   i would have been a rockstar already if I could speak fluent eletric guitar like peter frampton

   Romania's entire government has a complete collapse today and the #1 item on the news is some has-been country singer getting popped for being drunk.

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   Ready for winter to be over because I need to see the sun again and also so I can stop sitting on cold toilet seats.

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Now Taking Applications For A VALENTINE. APPLY BELOW

   Trying to get into a relationship had turned me into a B-grade male version of Adele.

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?

   Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.

   Remember Grandpa from the show "RugRats"? Was I the only one shocked that his favorite snack was "Fuzzy Ding-A-Ling Bars"?

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.