Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do a dramatic removal

   The first thing I do in a relationship is panic.

   How much Jim Beam goes in this Turkey gravy?

   The camel called. He wants his toe back.

   I watch my dog sniff the air and I wonder what he knows about this world that I don't..

   Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.

   Hey look, a pay phone!!!!! *adds 'archeologist' to resume*

   So, they are saying the Washington Monument isn't quite as tall as they originally thought. Or maybe it's just shrinkage from the cold...

   Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.

   Happiness is only a throat punch away.

   If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   I don't watch porn; I can't get over the frustration that the pizza they ordered is getting cold.

   Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles

   By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day

   If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..

   "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is not the advisable way to tell your child he was adopted.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   I had a friend who started saying "anyhoo," so I had to distance myself.