Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "How does a person go about celebrating President's Day Dad?" asked my son "well there's roughly two ways to celebrate it" I explained. "you can talk about past presidents or you can go buy a new mattress"

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?

   I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.

   I think my superpower is making mountains out out of molehills.

   Sighing heavily all day long counts as cardio, right?

   Craving margaritas is an emotion, right?

   According to the study that I never have done, alcohol consumption by stay at home Mom's goes up 500% when school gets let out for the summer.

   The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do a dramatic removal

   The first thing I do in a relationship is panic.

   How much Jim Beam goes in this Turkey gravy?

   The camel called. He wants his toe back.

   I watch my dog sniff the air and I wonder what he knows about this world that I don't..

   Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.

   Hey look, a pay phone!!!!! *adds 'archeologist' to resume*

   So, they are saying the Washington Monument isn't quite as tall as they originally thought. Or maybe it's just shrinkage from the cold...

   Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.

   Happiness is only a throat punch away.

   If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.