Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate sharks! Can't there be a my little pony week?

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   4:19 almost there... just one more minute..

   Old McDonald was dyslexic, o.i.e.i.e

   just took my dog for a walk, long story short, my neighbor sleeps naked

   Whenever I wait behind a door to scare someone, they always take too long to come, so I leave disappointed.

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.

   You can't change a ho, but you can exchange the ho.

   The Christmas spirit is gone and I blame the Ghostbusters!

   resting his pimphand

   Laughter is not the best medicine...Large amounts of beer, now that's the best medicine!

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   "I love Justin Beiber" Hey Jeff, eat a Snickers, you're gay when youre hungry

   Toothpase is the smallest section at Wallmart

   Ever find out your wiper wash is empty AFTER you have smeared bug guts all over your windshield?

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   Some people's facebook $tatuse$ are ridiculously overdramatic. "going to school feels like a knife through my heart!!!" it's like, .....shut up.

   In some places in India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.

   Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.

   You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..