Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

   I know its Gay pride week, but seeing a rainbow confederate flag is really going to the extreme

   I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.

   If you get explanations when they weren't asked for, they're lying.

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.

   what's for lunch? left over bacon from breakfast said no one ever.

   Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper.

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.

   Met a gal through FarmersOnly.com,went out to supper and then home and plowed half the night

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club

   Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!

   Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…

   It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.