Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what's for lunch? left over bacon from breakfast said no one ever.

   Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper.

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.

   Met a gal through FarmersOnly.com,went out to supper and then home and plowed half the night

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club

   Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!

   Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…

   It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.

   Scones are just uppity biscuits...

   Thanks alot Mark Fuckerberg. Just had to poop without Facebook like I was some kind of cave man.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.