Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surround yourself with Contenders, not Pretenders.

   Scooby and the gang always solve mysteries in 30 minutes or less. I think I'll hire them to help me with the whole women thing. Plus Daphne is hot.

   Sometimes I wake up cranky.....other times I let her sleep.

   Mr. President, now that we have the birth certificate we will need your SS#, credit card #'s, bank account #'s and all pins and passwords...Thanks Donald

   Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........

   ♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫

   Ladies, best thing you can do before and after your pregnant....take some pics of yourself while your boobs are enhanced. :D Sincerely: Men who like boobs.

   tonight, alcohol would be proud of me

   Horse racing is just like NASCAR only slower.....and with poop.

   : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?

   If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.

   Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering

   Wait "pants on the Ground" didn't make it to Hollywood? He was the best so far!!!!!

   Over worked and under f**ked..

   My wife said ''Why are you still staring at our marriage license!''..............''I am looking for an expiration date!!!!''

   But Your Honor, you have to admit that kidnapping the President of the National Stuttering Association and making him say "Lady Gaga" to gain his freedom IS pretty funny.

   that anyone caught taking a photo of themselves in a mirror, shall be slapped...

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Wilma Flintstone just told the world to F-ck off, He-Man is spending the night with Strawberry Shortcake, and Smufette isn't going out because she got hammered last night at the club. ...Thank you FaceBook for retro-ruining my childhood.