Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. 
Just got the new Payton Manning Bobble Head Doll....But the head won't move!!
Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...
Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?
Cinnabun- $1...cup of mocha coffee- $.50... tripping over the rug, dropping the Cinna bun, spilling the hot coffee on my shoes and yelling "$h!t" out loud in front of 3 customers......priceless
the awkward moment when you find yourself typing awkward moment status updates
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.
Surround yourself with Contenders, not Pretenders.
Scooby and the gang always solve mysteries in 30 minutes or less. I think I'll hire them to help me with the whole women thing. Plus Daphne is hot.
Sometimes I wake up cranky.....other times I let her sleep.
Mr. President, now that we have the birth certificate we will need your SS#, credit card #'s, bank account #'s and all pins and passwords...Thanks Donald
Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........
♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫
Ladies, best thing you can do before and after your pregnant....take some pics of yourself while your boobs are enhanced. :D Sincerely: Men who like boobs.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of me
Horse racing is just like NASCAR only slower.....and with poop.
: Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?
If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.
Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering
Wait "pants on the Ground" didn't make it to Hollywood? He was the best so far!!!!! 