Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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That awkw.. moment when you stare at someone in the Asian supermarket trying to figure out what kind of Asian they are. :) 
I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life..
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Just got the new Payton Manning Bobble Head Doll....But the head won't move!!
Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...
Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?
Cinnabun- $1...cup of mocha coffee- $.50... tripping over the rug, dropping the Cinna bun, spilling the hot coffee on my shoes and yelling "$h!t" out loud in front of 3 customers......priceless
the awkward moment when you find yourself typing awkward moment status updates
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.
Surround yourself with Contenders, not Pretenders.
Scooby and the gang always solve mysteries in 30 minutes or less. I think I'll hire them to help me with the whole women thing. Plus Daphne is hot.
Sometimes I wake up cranky.....other times I let her sleep.
Mr. President, now that we have the birth certificate we will need your SS#, credit card #'s, bank account #'s and all pins and passwords...Thanks Donald
Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........
♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫
Ladies, best thing you can do before and after your pregnant....take some pics of yourself while your boobs are enhanced. :D Sincerely: Men who like boobs.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of me
Horse racing is just like NASCAR only slower.....and with poop.
: Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?
If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions. 