Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.