Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".