Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   I saw a one-armed man shopping at a second-hand store. I was, like, 'You're not going to find what you're looking for!'

   just about to cook up some Ramen soup and realized I'm out of crackers. I'm cracka lackin!!!

   You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.

   I'll be thankful when people stop filling my entire wall with posts about what they're thankful for.

   Where my knickers at? Oh wait, they're just chillin' with my britches

   Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelled spine became doctors....the rest of us went to airline school....

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."

   Behind every great man, there's a great woman. So just put another great woman in front of that man and you got a Great Man Sandwich!

   You want your relationship to last? Stop rubbing it into everyone's face.

   Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn't spell out, “The rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.

   Superbowl - what my wife eats cereal out of every morning!

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.

   I hope there will never be an assassination attempt on our President Elect. But it would be really funny just to hear the Secret Service yell "Donald, duck!"

   C'mon everybody. Ease up on Donald Trump. After all, we now finally have a First Family I can masturbate to.