Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll be thankful when people stop filling my entire wall with posts about what they're thankful for.

   Where my knickers at? Oh wait, they're just chillin' with my britches

   Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelled spine became doctors....the rest of us went to airline school....

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."

   Behind every great man, there's a great woman. So just put another great woman in front of that man and you got a Great Man Sandwich!

   You want your relationship to last? Stop rubbing it into everyone's face.

   Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn't spell out, “The rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.

   Superbowl - what my wife eats cereal out of every morning!

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.

   I hope there will never be an assassination attempt on our President Elect. But it would be really funny just to hear the Secret Service yell "Donald, duck!"

   C'mon everybody. Ease up on Donald Trump. After all, we now finally have a First Family I can masturbate to.

   The election is rigged...unless I win

   The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.

   What do you call a guy who thinks women belong in the kitchen? Single.

   I haven’t seen the Democrats so angry since the Republicans took away their slaves

   Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker

   You ever wonder how much more advanced this whole world would be IF we only had one religion AND racism never existed?

   Happy International Women's day to all the ladies!! Now MAKE ME A SANDWICH BEEYOTCH!