Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Muslim sex dolls are the by far the best. Not only are they all virgins, but they blow themselves up!

   I head they found a stash of porn with Bin Laden, guess that would be considered "Weapons of mass-terbation

   OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS !!! 1. Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2. Die.

   Hey Monday!! /take That!!! ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   If guys could get pregnant there would be an abortion clinic on every corner and plan B would come in variety flavor packs

   Your girl sends you nudes and she ain't holding the camera then you betta start asking questions bruh.

   Walmart Guy: Sir, it should take about thirty minutes for your oil change. If you want to do some shopping, we will call your name out over the loudspeaker when we are finished. Me: If you want to live, you will not call my name out over the loudspeaker.

   Well, everyone at this red light certainly knows who the best goddamn air drummer is.

   I can't change the channel when those stupid snuggie commercials come on because I'm under a blanket and I don't want my arms to get cold.

   ... Turns out Mr. Sanders ISN'T the guy that makes that fried chicken .... So I gues I'm gonna have to vote for that ugly guy that screams and wears those ugly pant suits ....

   Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt

   Really, Google Autdetect? What makes you think I want to search for a hardcore poem?

   Pee is the enemy of sleep

   The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   The only heterosexual way for a man to shave his legs, is if he falls off a motorcycle at 120 mph.

   I'm yet to see hot chics do the Ice Bucket challenge in a t-shirt. Come on ladies...I'm waiting.

   There comes a point in everybody's life when they feel forgotten by someone they'll never forget.

   Did you ever notice that Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he came out of the shower?

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?