Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."

   If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   Nothing better than imagining "Tubman's" raining down on strippers cheeks.

   Bernie's campaign workers definitely Felt The Bern on their way to the unemployment office.

   Drinking decaf coffee is like watching porn with no hands

   Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   I love it when someone takes a good joke and make it even better. Keep it up guys.

   Human beings like to be entertained more than anything else. Hence the celebrity worshipping.

   Rest assured no grass got cut today.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.