Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   I love it when someone takes a good joke and make it even better. Keep it up guys.

   Human beings like to be entertained more than anything else. Hence the celebrity worshipping.

   Rest assured no grass got cut today.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.

   I totally love and fully respect that you're a little bit slutty

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: I am NOT argumentative! Me: See?

   I hear 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather are going to settle their feud in the ring. I'd actually pay to see that fight- I bet if I was lucky enough to catch one of 50 Cent's teeth I could sell it on eBay.

   My therapist is a beer

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   Am I the only one hoping that grand jury decision in Ferguson Missouri lines up with my black Friday shopping plans?

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present