Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you see the words" SUGAR-FREE" or "FAT-FREE" Tthink of the words chemical sh*t storm.

   "You own my heart, she is just renting", said a man caught cheating.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a crap, I know it's time to eat some vegetables.!

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   WTF.. is a newspaper?" - our grandchildren

   Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.

   It's only a matter of time until Facebook adds “friend-zoned” as a relationship status.

   Do you think when sexy blondes go on porn websites they get adverts popping up saying, "A fat and bald guy from Chicago wants to have sex with you"?

   Me thinks that Zuckerberg bought Instagram because a girl didn't let him take her picture once

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   thinks it's better to be "over the hill" then under it.

   Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...

   Because you saw them do it in Animal House is not a good reason for anything. Ever.

   You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?

   i'm not lazy. i'm just highly motivated to not do anything.

   So proud of my lil' hound dog. Taught Her to sit and lay down on command in less than five minutes. With treats of course. Just that much closer to the final lesson of Go fetch Daddy a beer!