Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   The worst part about getting some ass is when your fingers break through the toilet paper.

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   When the creator of photoshop dies.. All you girls gone go back to being UGLY..

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   Save water – take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   Sent a message asking 30 women if they want to go out with me, 26 said yes but unfortunately had to tell them it was april fools.

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.

   I always respond by saying "wet" when people ask me how the water is.

   The best enemy maker on earth: Facebook & Internet!

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   one beer short of a six pack

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals