Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   When the creator of photoshop dies.. All you girls gone go back to being UGLY..

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   Save water – take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   Sent a message asking 30 women if they want to go out with me, 26 said yes but unfortunately had to tell them it was april fools.

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.

   I always respond by saying "wet" when people ask me how the water is.

   The best enemy maker on earth: Facebook & Internet!

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   one beer short of a six pack

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   think of a number, double it, add six, half it, take away the number you started with, your answer is three

   the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   I keep seeing these commercials for Coors beer with the cans that have these blue bars on them that tell you when they are cold. Back in my drinking days, I just felt the can. Are people really that stupid these days?