Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight ;)

   if a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, why was there a tree in the kitchen?

   Children shouldn't be allowed to watch symphonies or big bands on T.V. There is too much sax and violins. It can only lead to Treble.

   i would give you a dozen roses, 11 real and 1 fake, then tell you that I will love you till the last one dies...

   hiding false teeth at the old folks home for the Easter hunt

   If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.

   Q: What does an elephant use for tampons? A: Sheep

   If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? (Two highballs and a Squirt)

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   Why cant Christmas colors be somthing other than red and green, I run so many redlights driving downtown thinking they are just Christman lights!

   I did my good deed for the day. I seen a handicap guy parking in one of our spots and I beat his ass.

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   Like if you dont think ..3x-7y+(1/2)b.. really gonna help you in life?

   Crazy? ya I was Crazy once. So my friends put me in a padded cell, and I went nuts...Nuts? Squirrels like nuts. Squirrels are crazy....Crazy? ya I was Crazy once....

   Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard.....PILLOW FIGHT

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.