Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did my good deed for the day. I seen a handicap guy parking in one of our spots and I beat his ass.

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   Like if you dont think ..3x-7y+(1/2)b.. really gonna help you in life?

   Crazy? ya I was Crazy once. So my friends put me in a padded cell, and I went nuts...Nuts? Squirrels like nuts. Squirrels are crazy....Crazy? ya I was Crazy once....

   Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard.....PILLOW FIGHT

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.

   You put a black man in the White House and they give the country a negative credit rating!

   What is it with black guys randomly rehearsing an R&B/ rap lyric when walking down the street?

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Congratulations to those of you who can read this. You survived the friend cut!!

   Thinks someone needs to invent a sarcasm font.

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   Do you ever have days that when someone says Hi, all you want to say back is, "I wish I was."

   I am soon going to realize my dream of opening a combination hardware and sporting goods store...it's name shall be..."Sport N' Wood"