Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   Some of these fools use money to attract women but then turn around and call those women gold-diggers. Its common knowledge that when you go fishing, you catch fish not a zebra.

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.

   I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.

   Give me some of the major taboo examples among gullible women about themselves.

   Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.

   A junk drawer, but for feelings.

   Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever.

   Hey Mayweather, you're supposed to hug your wife and punch your opponent. Not the other way around

   Sooner or later I’m going to sleep with the wrong woman and wind up dead…or worse married.

   I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch

   What do you mean you misunderstood the tone of my text? I put a sad smiley face at the end of it, didn't I?

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   Hotels, holiday resorts, airports and restaurants should just go ahead an employ a full time professional photographer to take people's pics they can post on their Facebook walls.

   I cant wait till the "Holiday season" at work is over so I can find a new reason not to do anything around the house

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   I can't wait for my gold medal in not murdering anyone today.