Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.

   A junk drawer, but for feelings.

   Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever.

   Hey Mayweather, you're supposed to hug your wife and punch your opponent. Not the other way around

   Sooner or later I’m going to sleep with the wrong woman and wind up dead…or worse married.

   I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch

   What do you mean you misunderstood the tone of my text? I put a sad smiley face at the end of it, didn't I?

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   Hotels, holiday resorts, airports and restaurants should just go ahead an employ a full time professional photographer to take people's pics they can post on their Facebook walls.

   I cant wait till the "Holiday season" at work is over so I can find a new reason not to do anything around the house

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   I can't wait for my gold medal in not murdering anyone today.

   Just downloaded the new FIFA 11 commentory update, not much has changed although when my girlfriend went on it andy grey shouted "put the f@&king controller down & get back in the kitchen"

   hate the anticipation of setting a mouse trap,right at the last minute all seems good then "snap" you lose the battle...

   This new Facebook friend viewer application so you can see your friends online is kind of weird. Its like they don't even know you can see them.

   wondering if cupid has a job opening??? I would LOVE to shoot people in the Ass and get away with it!!!!

   see Gaddafi on TV for the last few days, I can only assume that he is paying tribute to Micheal Jackson

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Monday is the strongest day of all the weekdays, even though it is cursed by every other person in this world, it still exists