Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   Some of these fools use money to attract women but then turn around and call those women gold-diggers. Its common knowledge that when you go fishing, you catch fish not a zebra.

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.

   I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   Just downloaded the new FIFA 11 commentory update, not much has changed although when my girlfriend went on it andy grey shouted "put the f@&king controller down & get back in the kitchen"

   hate the anticipation of setting a mouse trap,right at the last minute all seems good then "snap" you lose the battle...

   This new Facebook friend viewer application so you can see your friends online is kind of weird. Its like they don't even know you can see them.

   wondering if cupid has a job opening??? I would LOVE to shoot people in the Ass and get away with it!!!!

   see Gaddafi on TV for the last few days, I can only assume that he is paying tribute to Micheal Jackson

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Monday is the strongest day of all the weekdays, even though it is cursed by every other person in this world, it still exists

   Bin Laden got shot in the head .. first shot missed and went through his ears

   He was suckled by hyenas and had only cobras for playmates and now he's in hell. Let's pose his bullet-holed head for a round-the-world-see-we-really-did-it photo op and get busy with the real business of America - planning our summer vacations!

   When everyone is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.