Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   ts no fun insulting people that are too damn stupid to even realize it!

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Let's keep in touch but only by our genitals.

   There are two types of women. Those who become angry for NOTHING and those who get angry for EVERYTHING.

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   My Wife's MENU has only two items: Eat it OR Leave it.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.