Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of women. Those who become angry for NOTHING and those who get angry for EVERYTHING.

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   My Wife's MENU has only two items: Eat it OR Leave it.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   Teacher: Johnny,Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence..... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and...Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.

   Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   It takes raw talent to make sushi.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.