Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.