Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.

   John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.