Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.

   The way my boss speaks to me it's as if he doesn't realize I'm an internet phenomenon.

   I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...

   Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!

   This whole Brian Williams things is a great reminder that it never pays to lie. Sent from my Galaxy S7

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?

   Someone put a Taylor Swift tape in my Teddy Ruxpin and now he's writing a song about Fozzie

   It doesn't matter how hard you thought out those vanity plates, bro. All any of us read is 'imma douche'

   Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!

   Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   If we eat, we die. If we don't eat, we die. I choose death by chocolate....

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   What I learned by watching Storage Wars: A box of $hit is worth seventy five bucks and a sack of $hit is only worth fifty.

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.