Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   Celine Dion, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Griffin, and Garry Busey... The four horse faces of the apocalypse

   no, NO, you don't need to apply for a Target credit card in the 10 items or less lane.

   WHERE YOUR PEN GOES WHEN YOU DROP IT 3% right where you dropped it 5% 10 feet away from you 92% into another dimension never to be seen again.

   I'd imagine homeless people aren't the fans of little dogs wearing sweaters

   Life could be worse....woman could get away with murdering their baby daughter while a doctor who gives his client illegal drugs and he dies could end up going to jail. Oh wait.....

   Just found a calendar in the kitchen, it ends in eight days. Were all doomed.

   Just once I would like to see some creativity and have a meeting done with interpretive dance instead of powerpoint

   The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!

   I was cleaning up a bit last night and I thought my cat somehow got into the washing machine during the spin cycle! Then I realized it was just Steven Tyler yelling at somebody on TV. Whew!

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me while sending friend request.

   used to be funny, once a pun a time...

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   I FINALLY GET THE END of the 6TH SENSE - those names are the people who worked on the film!!!!!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.