Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!

   I was cleaning up a bit last night and I thought my cat somehow got into the washing machine during the spin cycle! Then I realized it was just Steven Tyler yelling at somebody on TV. Whew!

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me while sending friend request.

   used to be funny, once a pun a time...

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   I FINALLY GET THE END of the 6TH SENSE - those names are the people who worked on the film!!!!!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment?

   Changing your name in Illinois only costs $100? Well slap my face and call me Lazer ThunderQueef!

   "Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

   I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

   That's right, the iPhone 5 is now thinner and lighter, like the enslaved chinese worker since he started assembling it.

   My wife says I should read the book before watching the movie. So when I play the movies I just put the subtitles on and watch and read at the same time.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   Don't feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness