Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!

   I'd really like to know how far you ran today and whether it felt great and then see a picture of your smoothie.

   "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"

   To everyone who is dying to be s0meone else. R.I.P!!

   It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.

   EX: "You'll never find anyone like me." ME: "That's the point stupid!"

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   Dont blame people for disappointing you..blame yourself for letting your guard down too fast and too soon.

   Not sure if any conformation of this can be found in the scriptures, but I'm fairly certain the "Free Credit Report Dot Com" tune is played non-stop in hell.

   Pride is often used to cover weakness. A thin veil of douchebaggery fools no one.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM.

   Just seen a preview of the 'Chernobyl Diaries' & to me, if your taking your family vacation to Chernobyl, Russia.....then you deserve to be eatin by radioactive zombies!!!!

   Facebook: A social media website that will continually remind you how stupid some of your "friends" really are...

   Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says "I'm on my period": Priceless.

   Sum ppl need to be pistol whipped. . .with a grenade launcher.

   Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing