Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   The PT Cruiser is probably the most expensive form of birth control.

   I'm glad people have the confidence to wear revealing clothing but sometimes your confidence is NOT very pleasant to look at.

   If its Friday night and she lifts up her skirt and her panties say Saturday. She is staying the night.

   Well, Jimmy Crack corn..... and you guessed it.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!

   I'd really like to know how far you ran today and whether it felt great and then see a picture of your smoothie.

   "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"

   To everyone who is dying to be s0meone else. R.I.P!!

   It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.

   EX: "You'll never find anyone like me." ME: "That's the point stupid!"

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   Dont blame people for disappointing you..blame yourself for letting your guard down too fast and too soon.

   Not sure if any conformation of this can be found in the scriptures, but I'm fairly certain the "Free Credit Report Dot Com" tune is played non-stop in hell.

   Pride is often used to cover weakness. A thin veil of douchebaggery fools no one.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!