Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a rather unattractive pregnant woman and thought, "Neat...Good for you."

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

   AR15 rifle with scope- $1,600, 900 Rds of Lake City XM193 AF 5.56 loaded in 30 magazines $600, Emergency food suplies $1000, Cost of everything during the zombie apocalypse = Priceless

   What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day;  anal sex makes your hole weak.

   Happy Cinco De Miracle Whip ... I DON'T CARE FOR MAYO :)

   George Zimmerman helped 4 people out of an overturned SUV. I'm guessing it wasn't a black SUV.

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   With Obama and autocorrect, I don't have to take the blame for anything!

   Hands down best Budweiser commercial ever. God bless our troops!

   If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.

   I think I'm gonna start giving ugly girls the phone numbers of guys I hate.

   Saw a mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they have started delivering the ballots!

   My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student...

   it's Monday everyone, hope you've had your Tiger's Blood!

   I'm watching hoarders...getting decorating tips

   Circus + shopping = Walmart

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables, ok? :)

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   BREAKING NEWS: Fox News reporting that Anderson Cooper is, in fact, a tax.