Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   I'd much rather crash the bachelor party than the wedding.

   So when those annoying Student/Bill Debt collectors call and ask me to verify my information and this call maybe recorded for training purposes....I usually tell em my number recently changed, n give them some other debt collector's number! problem solved

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   Even my dinner tasted like Monday

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf.

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.

   If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only

   Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.

   All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."