Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   Sometimes “Girl's night out” means she has just taken her bra off

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   I'd much rather crash the bachelor party than the wedding.

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   Even my dinner tasted like Monday

   I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.

   Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.

   [Spock]: “On my planet, “to rest” is to rest, to cease using energy. To me it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.” - Rest now Spock

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*

   Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?

   Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?