Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

   I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!

   Iranian Presdient Hassan Rouhani thinks he can have his Yellowcake and eat it too!!!

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   I never know how many Ramen Noodle seasoning packets to save throughout the year for Halloween treats, but I think I have enough.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   Sometimes “Girl's night out” means she has just taken her bra off

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   I'd much rather crash the bachelor party than the wedding.

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.