Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people push your buttons and others just outright break your keyboard!!!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Puppy Pimps" is not a good name for a dog breeder.

   hate when people say "i can't complain"..really? because all you do is complain

   I think groundhogs day obviously means more to us than presidents day.

   Just because you're talking, doesn't mean I'm listening.

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   found out today that "too legit to give a sh*t" is not an appropriate answer to a judge's question "How do you plead?"

   Playing the "hey, what's in that bulging tupperware bowl" game never ends well.

   I'm giving up snow for lent

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.

   The best thing about VDay is the reese's peanut butter cups are ALWAYS fresh!

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   Nowadays people feel they need to identify with others before they can even identify with themselves.

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   At least I care enough to go through the motions

   Drink before you speak

   Avoid sharing your alcohol, by surrounding yourself with people that don't drink.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   The only time most people come clean is in the shower.