Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about VDay is the reese's peanut butter cups are ALWAYS fresh!

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   Nowadays people feel they need to identify with others before they can even identify with themselves.

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   At least I care enough to go through the motions

   Drink before you speak

   Avoid sharing your alcohol, by surrounding yourself with people that don't drink.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   The only time most people come clean is in the shower.

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   drinking beer in shower

   i cant stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking the coffee then I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doings.

   What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."

   "It's time to go home" - my phone's battery

   Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....

   With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies?

   I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

   If you can't prove it, I didn't do it. Unless you liked it.

   Music will be just fine.... Miley's twerking or not