Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're not friends until I have at least 38 pictures of you passed out somewhere on on my phone.

   Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   If Wil.i.ams' tomb stone doesn't say "Wil.i.was" I will be highly disappointed.

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   laughing because I just pictured you naked!

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

   Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson.

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   If I ever post a joke that you don't like take comfort in the fact that I was clearly for one moment hacked

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   So I came home and all my closest friends and family are in the living room telling me that I need to stop drinking and partying so much. Worst. Flashmob. Ever.

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   That weird awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street.