Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson.

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   If I ever post a joke that you don't like take comfort in the fact that I was clearly for one moment hacked

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   So I came home and all my closest friends and family are in the living room telling me that I need to stop drinking and partying so much. Worst. Flashmob. Ever.

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   That weird awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street.

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.