Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that Edward Scissorhands should be very much afraid of Edward Rockhands...

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   I saw a fat girl at the gym today. She had an iPad strapped to her arm.

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   just opened a fortune cookie that read: "That wasn't chicken . . ."

   Watching this NBA game makes me miss the great Larry Bird days, now its all showboating and apparently there is an "I" in team.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.

   I honestly believe Nancy Grace thinks she can bring Caylee back to life....that or is SHE the one making money off of a lil girl's death?? Think about it!

   If there were no women on earth, I would have left this god forsaken planet a long time ago. I am strictly here for the women, everything else is just a bonus. Women make my stay here worthwhile.

   Who told women they could be the judge on what a real man is?

   Dora and Diego, if your coming into my house it's to clean and landscape the yard.

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   Laugh at your problems, everybody else does

   Have you heard of that brand new men's cologne that just came out called "Umpire"? It's for Foul Balls.

   Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.