Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   just opened a fortune cookie that read: "That wasn't chicken . . ."

   Watching this NBA game makes me miss the great Larry Bird days, now its all showboating and apparently there is an "I" in team.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.

   I honestly believe Nancy Grace thinks she can bring Caylee back to life....that or is SHE the one making money off of a lil girl's death?? Think about it!

   If there were no women on earth, I would have left this god forsaken planet a long time ago. I am strictly here for the women, everything else is just a bonus. Women make my stay here worthwhile.

   Who told women they could be the judge on what a real man is?

   Dora and Diego, if your coming into my house it's to clean and landscape the yard.

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   Laugh at your problems, everybody else does

   Have you heard of that brand new men's cologne that just came out called "Umpire"? It's for Foul Balls.

   Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.

   If you have nothing nice to say, say it anyway. Who give a **** what people think?

   so...Is Will Smith movin' back in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air?

   When I was younger I always wanted to marry a doctor for money. Now I just want the prescriptions.

   Here's to all the presidents who have died and to those who we wish would.

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.

   Sorry I vomited all over your inspirational status.