Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WHO's GUILTY? Husband and Wife are sleeping. Wife dreaming at night suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of the window!

   President Trump has golden hair like the Golden Child of mythic olden tales. Like, everything that he touches turns to gold. #GoldenPOTUS

   If Hurricane Isaac hits Louisiana and costs us a dime of our Federal tax money....it's time we sell this b@tch back to France!!

   Someone should make a TV game show called "Pregnant Or Not Pregnant?" and have contestants questioning fat girls for prizes.

   Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.

   If there is a line of GAY people is it still a STRAIGHT line ?

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help

   Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure… it's called a credit card.

   wanna hear a joke? valentines day.

   Unless your pickup line is: I have a full time job and I'm ready for commitment... I'm not interested.

   Women cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls ... because they can

   thinks that Edward Scissorhands should be very much afraid of Edward Rockhands...

   A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

   life is all about ass. Your'e either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!

   P.E.T.A.= People Eating Tasty Animals....... I LOVE HUNTING SEASON!

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   I saw a fat girl at the gym today. She had an iPad strapped to her arm.

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.